Tag: visibility

Pink Hair Trumps Human Rights?

Posted on by JAC

An Update on the University of Cincinnati: For over three years we’ve been jumping through administrative hoops trying to get a campus queer center with a staff person. This week we had a rally in hopes of getting some recognition. It was a good turn out, considering it was snowing, and we did get some recognition from the university community. Well, we got our picture in the paper anyway…

Photo by Jamie Royce.

And even though I look fantastically good in the photo, I still have found something to complain about. It’s not the fact that the world “staff” is written twice. Its not even how there was NO article to offer information or explanation for what we are doing.

Its all about the photo caption. The caption above the photo says “Ooh, that’s some pink hair!” Really? Of all the things to write, why comment on my hair of all things? Does it bring any information about the rally? Any legitimacy to the movement? No. It borderline pokes fun at us. Apparently there is nothing more important or interesting about the event than my hair. It should be flattering, instead its just shitty.

We are nothing to the UC community except fringe and furnishings. We are not even a section of “diversity” as has been stated by the University “Diversity” Council. We don’t need resources or attention or even recognition. Its not like we’re getting kicked out of our homes, losing friends, living in hostile dorms, dealing with uneducated professors, or being beaten up on campus. Sure, just leave the queer students to their own devices and make not-even-clever commentary on their appearance. The appearance of equality is all that matters here.

cross-posted on AmplifyYourVoice.org

Apparently I’m a Lesbian

Posted on by JAC

cross-posted on AmplifyYourVoice.org

Ever since I came out as a guy my mom has been calling me a lesbian. To be fair, my mom has made a lot of head-way in supporting me, but there are a couple things that she keeps getting stuck on.

“Why you can’t just be a lesbian?” she says passionately, “There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, you know.”

“I know.” I say back to her, “And if I could be one I would, but I’m not one so I can’t.”

She feels there is nothing wrong with me being a lesbian, but there is something wrong with me being trans because trans is just too far from normal. I have too much going against me in society. I have to remind myself that if I wasn’t her kid she would be ok with it. Just today I listened as she told me a story from her college days where she supported the “women who were changing to be men” because she knew them from when she went out with her gay guy friend. She never thought that those people were lesbians, but somehow I am a lesbian.

I’ve gotten numb to it. Three years of hearing the same thing will do that. And she’s gotten a little better. She usually avoids making statements unless provoked by me talking about my life. I continue to try to explain the why the queer women I date don’t identify as lesbians, but since I can’t use my own identity as part of the explanation the point dissolves unsuccessfully.

When I started to date a guy her first question was exactly what I expected it to be. “Is he a real boy?”

“Yes, he’s a real boy.” I said.

She hesitated. “Ok, is he biologically a boy?” She smiled, clearly thinking she was clever. I wasn’t sure if I should be excited about her recognizing a fuller spectrum of gender and sex, or be annoyed cause she was mocking me.

“No, he’s not biologically male.”

“So she’s a lesbian.” she said bluntly. “And what does his mother think about her pretending to be a boy?”

The funny thing is that his mother thinks he’s a lesbian too. When I learned this I couldn’t help but be glad I wasn’t the only one who had this problem, at the same time, I really hated that I wasn’t the only one who had this problem.

cross-posted on AmplifyYourVoice.org

Ding Dong, the L Word’s Dead

Posted on by JAC

I Hate the L Word – part II

Some of my friends recently had an L Word party to mark the final L Word episode, but it wasn’t a celebratory “Ding dong the witch is dead!” party as I would hope. It was a get together to watch the last episode and mourn the loss of the show.

I realize that the L Word creates visibility for the lesbian community, offers media representation of “homosexual” women, and has hot sex scenes. Knowing all that, it still isn’t a good enough reason for me to understand the support of it.

A lot of my friends groan or give me a silenced look when I get angry for their L Word interests. They act like I shouldn’t be upset about it, like I should let it go. It’s easy for them to overlook the shit the L Word does cause it’s not their identity on the line. If there was something (like a TV show) that was great for me but shitty for my friend, I couldn’t support it in good conscious no matter how much I enjoyed it.

And the L Word’s offensiveness doesn’t just apply to its fictional writing. It is made by shitty people. I heard Rose Troche speak (an L Word writer and director, including the pregnant Max episode) and she is possibly the most offensive person I have ever heard speak in a queer venue. In addition to her outing co-workers and making fun of eating disorders, in the Q&A she stated that she believed that she provided an “accurate representation” of trans-people. What ego-pumping drug is she smoking?

Similarly, I know so many people who identify themselves as trans-allies, but support the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) which makes no sense to me. There are so many little outlets of transphobia hidden everywhere, I understand when it can’t be totally avoided. I have been forced to HRC events because I had to be there to do activist work or for performing. But there is a difference between doing the minimum civil interaction in order to get the job done and just being lazy. I even know transpeople who support transphobic outlets because it is easier than standing against it. It’s easier to just let transphobia and trans-exclusion slide a little. What people are failing to realize is that it affects us all. Transphobia is homophobia. It is all based on societal gender norms.

I understand that just because someone likes the L Word or the HRC, it doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t support trans and genderqueer people. And I know that there is an element of waiting and patience in all activism. Still, I can’t shake the emotional reaction. Every time, I can’t help thinking “How can you do this to me? There is no difference between us. You just have more rights.”

cross-posted on AmplifyYourVoice.org

Transphobia’s on the Phone

Posted on by JAC

It was my first night out in months. About an hour in, I found myself in my third activist related conversation. Suddenly I received a text message from an unfamiliar number.

“I sincerely hope you aren’t thinking you can pass as a man with that pink hair. You look like a dumb fucking lesbian.”

It was like getting punched in the dark.

My first reaction was to brush it off. I didn’t even know who this person was, so why should I care what they think? They’re just some cowardly, transphobic jerk. I was sure I should ignore it, but my defensive nature got the better of me. I finally came up with an empowered reply:

“I don’t care who you are or what you think. You clearly don’t understand genderfucking.”

The response message said it was from someone who’s phone had been “messed with” after leaving it on a table. I didn’t respond because I didn’t know if I believed it. Either way, I wasn’t going to find out who it was. There would be no chance for me to defend my place on the genderqueer spectrum, or discuss the oppression of gender norms, or assert my political position of gender non-conformity. It was over.

The rest of the night, I was determined to continue having a good time… but I couldn’t help thinking about it. I still can’t help thinking about it. I still feel scared and shaken, like I’ve been though a fight. Curiosity quickly paired with paranoia. Who would send me this? How did they get my number? How did they know how to get under my skin? Who can’t I trust?

I’ve decided to get over it. I’ve always known it was a matter of time before something like this happened. Its not like I’ve never been hassled before; in the bathroom, at the bar, in school, at parties… You’d think it wouldn’t bother me anymore.

I’m sticking with the attitude that this isn’t a big deal. I’m gonna make it not bother me. In the grand scheme of things, an offensive text is nothing. Really, I was lucky. I was lucky to get the anonymity of a text instead of face to face intimidation. I was lucky it wasn’t a punch in the stomach or an assault in the bathroom. I was lucky to walk away with only hurt feelings and shaken nerves. I was lucky to walk away at all.

cross-posted on AmplifyYourVoice.org

Parallel Universe

Posted on by JAC

There is a parallel universe I live beside. It is so close that it surrounds me, and yet I am not inside it.

I was looking through my spanish book, finding the answer to what the teacher was talking about. I wasn’t paying attention and longing for the clock hands to tick. I heard the teacher say something to one of the girls in the class. I got a nudge from the girl behind me and as i looked up i saw the teacher looking at me. “You, the new girl…” she said and continued to speak to me in spanish.

I listened, shrugging off my humiliation, ignoring how hot my face was getting. I gripped my hands to hide their sudden shaking as the insecurity and hurt set in. I will never understand why it always upsets me so much to get called out. To publicly not pass.

I reminded myself: No one else knows I’m not a girl. No one else understands that it’s wrong. To them, I’m just another female, probably one of those lesbian types. To them there is no discrepancy, no embarassment. They can’t really see me, only the distorted shell of me.

I got hit with a second shot at the end of class. The teacher said “I need the new girl to come up and give me her information.” I hate walks of shame.

When the room was empty I made an experiment. I told her “I’m not a girl, I’m a boy.” She apologized and said she wasn’t sure, but that I “had the face of a girl,” so she guessed I was a girl. She said she thought it was more likely I would be offended if I was a girl who got called a boy than if I were a boy who was called a girl. I didn’t see her logic. I explained how my name was different on the roster. She asked me why I didn’t go by the name on the roster. I’m not sure if she understood that my girl name was not a male name. I just said I prefered Jac and would rather not hassel with more than one name. She understood and started talking about cuba and her daughter. Apparently she had two names too. I think it all went over her head.

I walked out onto campus, still strange from the familiar experience. I felt as if I truely were walking along a one way mirror. My world was on my side, the rest was on the other. I told myself that someday there would be more vision, less confusion. People would see through the mirror and I would no longer be distorted. But today is not someday. Today is today.