See you in August when my vacation from blogging – when I’ll be doing other work that is not blogging so really its not a vacation at all – is over. In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of what i could be doing at this very moment.
[image: Sunny, green grass hilltop with bushes. JAC is jumping in the air excitedly with a vista of Cincinnati, Ohio and the Ohio River in the background. Graphic reads – “I’m off doing awesome shit that you’ll eventually hear about.”]
I am a Hanson fan, old school. Yeah, I thought Taylor (the middle one) was a girl originally, but I though Zac (the little one) was hella cute. The summer “Mmmbop” came out I was 13, and it was quite the adventurous time. My sister and I ate, slept, and breathed Hanson. We taped every TV appearance and watched them on loop and we knew every lyric to every song they ever wrote, sang, or sat next to. We recorded our lives everyday as an ongoing video message for us to send to Hanson so they could get to know us. We saw them live in huge stadiums of screaming girls, twice, which furnished some of my favorite adventures of my childhood. In fact some of my favorite moments in my childhood were results of my sister and I bonding through Hanson fandom.
When I was 17 my best friend and I saw Hanson perform again, this time in the much smaller Taft theater in downtown Cincinnati. We rushed the stage and I totally shook Taylor’s hand. It was a crowing achievement in my life. When I was 19 I MET Hanson after they performed in the even smaller venue, Bogarts. Turns out Taylor is the only one with a good personality. He was kind and attentive to fans, friendly and warm. When I met Issac for the 1st time, a sexually empowered 17 year old virgin that I had been standing with said she wanted to make out with him. He said with a smile “Um, there is a word for girls like that and it starts with an S.” So that wasn’t cool at all, super misogynistic. Then I met Zac, my favorite, and I asked if I could kiss him on the cheek. He squinted his eyes and said, “No, sorry.” like I was asking for his virginity or something. Pissh, burn on me. And I was cute too, so WTF? I guess I should respect him as a human who doesn’t want random creeper girls kissing him, but no, I’m not gonna go that way. I’m gonna stick with it being about ME. And then the next time I met Hanson, when I was 20, Zac didn’t even come out to meet the fans so my show poster to this day is missing an autograph. (ITS ALL ABOUT ME!)
Clearly, they felt bad about theses incidents and wanted to make up for it (its five years late, but I’m willing to overlook it). Taylor turned to his brothers and said, “Hey Ike, Zac, I’m think we should make a music video with dance moves that are so gay and so awkward that NO ONE on this earth would ever doubt that they were made specifically for JAC McFaggin’.” This is what they came up with.
That’s right, this video is nothing but a gift for me (notice the cowbell? That was for me too). Their music career? The rest of the world? Irrelevant. This is all for me. But because I am nice, I will continue to allow Hanson to share the joyful ridiculousness of this video. Your Welcome.
DID YOU SEE how gay Zac’s jump was at the very end? His feet were at his ass. That’s how I jump, and I am pretty fucking gay. And clearly Issac did not get the same dance gene that Taylor and Zac have, even to where, apparently, he had to get cut out of the shot at the end. And I don’t wanna be ‘that guy’, but the Motown borrowings were just a little weird to me. I know they were raised on Motown and get a lot of inspiration from that (every good fan has Hanson’s history memorized), and that is why its there, but I donno… I will have to get more opinions on this. I feel there is something to be said for aspiring towards the music they love so much. And did you see Zac in that leather jacket? I WISH I had a chest like that, shit. That was sexy. I wasn’t down with Taylor’s shadowy facial-hair… but he has such a cute face its enough to make up for it. Plus Taylor is pretty fabulous in general, you can tell he’s totally rockin’ it the whole video. I really wish the Hansons were queer. Can you even imagine how out of control that would be?
[image: JAC with brown hair and brown eyes, looking into the camera with mouth open. Holding open a red shirt revealing a black Hanson t-shirt]
Me in 2006 – and yes I still have this shirt, and yes I still wear it, and yes I still think the Hansons are hot. And apparently they have an activist side to them focusing on HIV/AIDS in Africa. Shit, who knew? Good for you, Hanson. I wonder how they feel about queers. UPDATE: Zac interviewed by the Advocate, holy shit! Yay! Now I can like them minus guilt cause they aren’t homophobes! He does say “chooses” in reference to sexuality, but it might just be semantics.
And I want to give a shout out to my beloved sister who gave me a heads up about this video. You’re the best. I haven’t heard any new Hanson music since 2007 (reference myspace blog) so I guess I should get back into it and see what other treasures are awaiting me. Keep an eye out for this number coming to a drag show near you. Oh and Black Mondays, get ready, cause I’m gonna need some back up dancers.
I could turn this into a gender conversation about the public conception of Martha and Snoop Dog as hyper-gendered icons, both as stereotypical representatives and as genderbenders, but I would rather leave it to its own amazing out-of-control amusingness.
I was recently made aware of a particular society, if you will, that is documented, among other places, on facebook. The Man Law Nation is a general code of conduct to be followed by male people. The Man Law Nation also has a forum for more in depth “man discussion” of their male experiences. In addition to this, there are several blogs, either for simple law reiteration or for further reflection on masculinity and maleness. The description of membership: “Everyone in this group is either a male and has come to support all males alike in continuing to keep America growing by enforcing Man Laws or is a female that has come to learn Man Laws to better her life.” I was directed to this because one of my student’s cousins, from Northern Kentucky, is in this group. Photos for the group include several armed forces images, AVs and monster trucks with mud on them, large breasted, thin women (many making out with each other), cheap beer and liquor, and killing small animals.
Taken from Man Law facebook
The origins of the Man Law is from a very ancient and respected series of beer commercials… that’s right, beer commercials for Miller Light as a part of the 2007 NFL commercial ring. Many people seem familiar with the Man Law, but as for myself who lives under a pop culture rock, was unaware. Really, I don’t know how I missed it. Shit beer and football, totally my favorite things… my reason for living… who needs to take T when you have miller light…
Taken from Man Law facebook
Though I will self-proclaim myself as a playa hater, I don’t want to be a stick in the mud. I do realize a lot of the man law purpose is, or was originally, humor. The thing is, how much of it is humor and how much of it has been adopted into a serious concept of masculinity that men live by? There are some interesting inconsistencies in the laws depending on the level of seriousness associated with them. The Miller company states the Man Laws are for humor, as do some bloggers. Others, like the people above, actually try to live by these rules. Clearly they get a sense of empowerment from this created concept of hypermasculinity which boarders on cultural or literal violence. Another thing that’s interesting is that how ever the laws are written, there is a consistent mix of violence with benevolently sexist chivalry. Women, who are portrayed as sneaky snakes trying to find out the secrets of Man Law (though they could just visit the public facebook page), as also weak and helpless.
(And What Is With Every Word Being Capitalized??)
41. To Those Men Who Discipline Their Children With Spanking, If A Woman Attempts To Stop You From Disciplining Your Child, You Make Sure She Knows Who The Woman Is.
78. Man Is To Show A Woman That Man Is Better Than Woman But Is To Never Strike Or Harm A Female.
97. (Also By Popular Demand) MEN Don’t Kill Babies And MEN Don’t Abandon Women, MEN Take Responsibility For Their Actions. (Is this “kill babies” line about abortion, I wonder?)
Sexuality is presented in a particularly interesting manner. There are several laws referring to sex, heterosexual sex only, of course. None are body positive or at all supportive of female autonomy. On top of being helpless, untrustworthy creatures, women are beasts to be conquered in what ever way possible. According to Man Law, a man’s sexual pleasure is wholly dependent on sex with a woman. Therefore, in order to satisfy the man’s need, the woman must put out or get out, or just get her drunk. All women are rated on the “Man Law Nation Hotness Chart.” Interaction with a woman is to be determined by where she falls on this chart. The higher the score, such as a 9 or 10, the hotter a woman is, and the more unpleasantness a man is willing to put up with to have sex with her. There is no document of this chart, though there have been many requests for it from members for the the purpose of rating and comparing their girlfriends.
18. A Man May Not Own A Pleasure Device, Even If The Man Can Not Do The Job On His Own Or It Has Been Two Weeks Without A Woman. Especially If The Device Is Made Of Silly Putty.
46. No Man Shall Become Friends With An Ex-girlfriend When The Relationship Went Out In Thunder Strikes Unless She Is Putting Out And It Has “Been Awhile”.
10. If a buddy gets stuck talking to the fat chick at a party, under no circumstances are you allowed to leave his side.
110. Man may explore all sexual possibilities with any woman he pleases, provided he is not in an expressed relationship with another woman. Fuck Buddies/ Friends with benefits/ drunken monkey sex friends do not count as expressed relationships.
95. A Man Is Obligated To Watch Any Act Of Lesbianism Unless Said Women Are Below A 7, Dictated By The Man Law Nation Hotness Chart.
There is a surprising absence of laws referring directly or even alluding to homosexuality. Though this is the case the language found on the web pages is not free of hate speech such as “fag” and “cock sucker.” Like so many other hypermasculine exhibitions, I am sure that many of these men are dealing with their insecurities about their own queerness. I mean, come on, you know these guys are sexualizing their own masculinity. Just look at this shit.
Taken from Man Law facebook. Seriously.
There are 112 Man Laws. These I totally fall in line with:
58. Clothes That Pass The “Smell Test” Are Acceptable To Wear Even If Unwashed For A Long Time.
79. Man Will Throw Away Any Instructions That Comes With An Item That Needs To Be Put Together. Man Does Not Take Instructions From Anyone, Yet Alone Need Them
These, and all the 110 other ridiculously fucked up standards, not so much:
23. A Man Can Not Carry A Little Dog In Public, Especially In A Bag.
59. Under No Circumstances Will A Man Pop His Collar.
91. No Man Shall Extend His Pinky While Drinking Unless Deemed Necessary Because Injury Or Repeated Breaks.
You ever go to clean out your spam folder and find an email you just can’t not open?
“Literally become a monster snake in my pants.” How do you not open that email? If I see an email saying “Make your zipper knight the best in town.” I’m gonna want to open it so it can tell me it has the perfect “improvement for my night intruder.”
The entertainment possibilities are endless when it comes to analyzing gendered language, especially when it is sexualized. The penis is often described as a “monster,” an “intruder,” or an “obstructionist” -highly aggressive terminology to remind men how virile and tough they are. “GRRRR I personify my genitalia! I AM SEXY! ROAR!” Then these dominant terms are paired with words like “knight” and “hero” that speak to the psychological triggers for a stereotypical boy-hood. The most fucked up part of this is that people actually subscribe to this way of thinking, truly believing that this system will make them “feel with women like Michael Jordan with ball and hoop.”
One thing is for sure, if you’re going to write bad porn slogans you need to commit to doing the work. Don’t make a computer do it. Computers don’t know what’s sexy. Computer sexuality is weird, and I’m about as open-minded about sex as they come. (ha ha! pun!) Computers can try to write like people, but in the end they revert back to what a computer would think is sexy. You can see the battle of human vs. computer sex appeal in this example: (I preserved the format. Maybe its like a computer pin-up or something.)
Subject:“For carnal victories! Effervescence profluent intertwist enchantment.” (It’s like a teenage girl mixed with an alka seltzer commercial. Maybe the computer read too much of BOP magazine.)
Text: “To bang her without a rest, you just need a little support. – impassiblenesss pneumatoscopic. Plunge into the ocean of love with our new male power pro-longer. Our pills can make you a superman of bed-action fast and easy.
cheerly pondorosity de-obstruct affector metaplasm graveled cuneiform
survivance
agonism
baeotic
clutches
metaplasm vertebration vomitory grum wharfage”
That is what a computer thinks is sexy, just in case you ever need to know.
I knew there was a reason I oved Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie as a kid.
Last night I saw a spectacular movie full of artistry, allure, and as to be expected in any great film, toothed vaginas.
The movie Teeth is a movie about a girl, Dawn, with a toothed vagina – vagina dentata. Vagina dentata is a myth of women having toothed vaginas ready to devour men’s penises, fingers, souls, you know, whatever gets close to the crotch. In the movie, Dawn’s vagina chomps off anything that tries to penetrate her against her will. It reminded me of the rape-x condom, except Dawn’s vagina had a mind of its own.
Much to my amusement, Dawn and her friends are members of a religious abstinence-only organization and wear abstinence rings. (It was a very scary movie.) The movie did a good job at showing how creepy and in-effective the organization was. There is also scene in a sex ed class, where the book page for female anatomy has a big sticker on it because the school administration is too puritanistic to allow a vagina, vulva, and labia to be shown to students. Characters directly address how the penis is shown but the vagina is not, adding an unexpected feminist feeling to the film.
Because of her lack of sex education and forced sexual repression, Dawn doesn’t know anything about her body or sexuality. When her vagina starts to bite off her attackers’ penises, she’s stumped as to the reason why. She repeatedly gets into dangerous situations because she has no knowledge of consent or sexual safety. She doesn’t even realize when a gynecologist is assaulting her and not examining her. I was supposed to be laughing… or scared… or something, but I couldn’t help but be a little sad. Vagina dentata aside, this movie is closer to reality than people think.
cross-posted on AmplifyYourVoice.org
when I was leaving the house tonight there was a ninja raccoon shimmying down the drainpipe of the house next door. It was pretty sweet.